My personal psychic experiences

About the Phoenix

One of the main forces in my life, though, has been  Phoenix. That, in itself, is a rather long story.

I first became aware of Phoenix back in 86. My place of employment was making up show bags and they had comics they were putting in them. One of them was Uncanny X-Men 195. It was about a girl called Rachel that drew in the Phoenix energy and reclaimed her powers. This happened to start on my comic addiction which lasted a good 10 or so years.

It wasn’t as though Phoenix in the X-Men was that captivating for me. Nor was it more than just another plot line, one of thousands I read. In fact, it was one of those types that didn't really stick in my mind. But something about the name stuck in my mind.

At the time, I had come across the works of Tuesday Lobsang Rampa, which was a big influence for me back in the mid to late eighties. I also was interested in the qualities of a dragon from a Chinese perspective, and from the books I read, I found that I matched many of the traits closely.

It was around the beginning of 1988 when I desired to become more dragonish in who I was. I remember thinking that this was the year I would work on becoming developing the more useful traits of a dragon. I had just started a new job after four years at an old one and for me this was a new beginning.

At work, there was a man called John Phoenix. Not actually Phoenix by nature, now that I look back, but the thing that caught my attention was that someone had put on his partition a sign saying ‘The Phoenix has risen’.  He took it down quickly, but it remained in my mind.

A short time later, I was driving home, and an add came on the radio for something. I can’t remember what, now, but the words said: “The  Phoenix. A beautiful bird that is consumed in flames and arises from the ashes more beautiful and powerful than before.” Once again, this stuck in my mind. Curiously, I ws recently musing that this was the only time I heard that description and wondered if it had been a one off. Then very soon after, (now 15 years or so on) I heard it again, as though it was confirmation.

It was also around that time when I started seeing visions in my minds eye of being a being called The Phoenix and messages started coming every day that said: “You are The Phoenix.”

I started to see myself as a dual being called The  Phoenix. Not a phoenix, but the actual Phoenix of legend. However, I kept it hidden, and most people only saw the day to day me. As the Phoenix I was a very powerful, high, spiritual being whose motives and actions were pure. I only ever acted for the benefit of others, and only ever rarely. Day dreams and fantasies are very wonderful things. The thing about this, though, was that I normally shunned anything that wasn’t original in thought or design. I certainly never wanted or felt happy about being a character that already existed, mythical or otherwise.

However, with the  Phoenix, I felt absolutely no compulsion not base myself on it. It was something I felt comfortable, and actually compelled to do.

I spent many years marking time and going through growth spurts and painful changes. Eight years later in 96, the day dreams of seeing myself as The Phoenix, and the message were just as vivid and strong in my mind. Time had done nothing to fade it. This was odd because as a rule, my attention on such things wavers on such things. Normally two years is the longest something holds my interest.

The problem was that it didn’t make any sense. The Phoenix was a bird. I wasn’t. The Phoenix was burnt to a crisp and rose from those ashes. I didn’t. And yet, even then, I started to feel that the Phoenix was going to rise. It was a feeling of expectation, of excitement, as though it was something I was waiting for.

I think its worth pointing out at this point that from the earliest age I can remember, I always had conversations in my mind. They weren't voices as such, they were more vibrations turned into speech. They came unbidden and often were the voice of reason, if I choose to listen to it. Eventually, I came to a realization that they probably were guides.

Whenever I heard my guides talk, they would call me Phoenix , rather than Gary . I would get many messages being repeated. Things like, ‘You have no idea just how powerful you really are.’ ‘Who are you?’ ‘Do you know who we are?’ ‘You really have no idea who you are’ and similar messages.

This continued for many years. Every day, many times a day, I would hear these messages in my mind. I dismissed them as pure fantasy, and vaguely wondered if my comic obsession at the time was influencing me, though, truthfully, if it was, I would have chosen different things to fantasize about from the Marvel Universe.

The thing I eventually came to realize was that this was something that almost seemed beyond my control. The message came whether I wanted them to or not. They made no sense to me, and every time I tried to ignore them, they just would come again when I wasn’t paying attention. There were many times when I got frustrated with hearing the same thing over and over.

At one point, I asked if the message meant that I was actually rising like a Phoenix , as Christianity used that symbol. Normally when I find out the meaning of a message, it will stop coming, and for a moment, I actually thought I had uncovered it. But then the messages continued on as strong and as persistent as ever.

It wasn’t till 95, when I really started to take off on this journey, that I started to get more information. Also new messages started to come, such as ‘You are the centre around which the others will gather’.

I was seeing a psychic healer at the time to try and deal with some of the traumas I had within me, and she did a tarot spread in one of the sessions. The outcome was that I was a centre that was drawing others to me and I would once again reclaim my powers.

Ninety five was quite an intense year in development. It was also the year I found the Celestine Prophecy. I read it and was instantly taken by it. What was more, it seemed that everyone I met had read it, too.

Towards the end of that year, I was drawn to other healer who I’ll call MJ. I had known her for many years and I was in no doubt about her psychic abilities. She had always said that she saw me in the ancient pyramids in Egypt.

When I saw her again, many years later, she repeated what she had seen in me. Then one day, at the end of a session, when she had stopped working, she once again had the vision. I’m not sure what it was, but somehow, those impromptu last few minutes seemed to have more effect on me than anything else she did or said.

She said that she saw me as a high priest. An initiate of Ancient Egypt, who fell because I let my lust consume me and it burned out the fine nerves in my system.

Strangely enough, this seemed to make sense to me. As in the Phoenix being consumed by fire.

I mentioned that I had had this I am the Phoenix message and she said she saw a staff with the head of a bird on it. One eye was closed. Normally she was good at saying things to invalidate my feelings, but this time, she seemed in agreeance with what I was saying. That in itself was odd.

It was soon after that when everything really started to move, and I stated to receive the story.

All that followed seemed to be coming from my guides. The connection felt strong and stable, and it was told to me in a story form.

The story went as follows. Back in Egypt , around 4000-6000 BC, there was an advanced race who had escaped from Atlantis before the end. They came to Egypt and ruled it. There were the initiates who were high priests and were respected. They also had incredible powers of the mind.

In short, Phoenix was a high priest who decided that he was just a empty shell of power. There was also a group of people who was jealous of him and plotted his downfall. Phoenix was aware of this, and chose to use it in order to resolve this problem.

His plan was to allow lust to consume him, thus making him fall from a great height and forcing him to start all over again from the very beginning, but giving him some very vital life experiences.

Some of the other initiates didn’t like his plans, for it meant that if he was proven to be right, then they, themselves, would be shown to be nothing more than empty shells. A deal was struck to allow Phoenix to follow through, but not without resistance.

This is were it gets a bit blurry and not really strictly relevant for this document. I think it was another initiative, one who became his enemy, who said that if he was able to succeed despite all resistance, then they would concede and agree that his way was the best to go. However, the resistance was going to be extreme.

Phoenix agreed, believing that he would ultimately succeed. Agreements were struck and Phoenix allowed those who were plotting his downfall to seduce him. This happened, and the enemy helped.

So began the long cycles of death and rebirth, and every time Phoenix would reach an initiation, he would remember who he was, and what his plans were, and decide if he had learned enough. As it was, every time he decided that he hadn’t, so once more, he began the cycle of death and rebirth again.

Certainly, according to legend, there have been a lot of Phoenii in several different counties. All were represented by a bird.

The Phoenix symbol actually comes from the corona during a solar eclipse. The aura does look like a Phoenix at times. It also explains the death and rebirth in fire and why Phoenix was called The Sun God in Ancient Egypt.

This story was told to me in 96 during a time of intense healing and change, and also by way of explanation of certain events that were happening at the time. I’ll elaborate on that story afterwards.

In April 96, I finally came into my own, and abandoned psychic healers and looking for the answers within others. I had reached a point where I now trusted my intuition fully and knew that the answers lay within me.

Early 97, I met my wife on the internet. That, in itself, is an interesting story, I think.

I’m pasting here another e-mail I sent to my group earlier this year that was attempting to explain why I used the nicks I did.

I've used the Phoenix nick ever since I joined the net back in 95, and it certainly has been a catalyst for the biggest syncs. I took it as I felt compelled to use it, even well before I got the internet. Anyone who has ever felt such compulsions will understand just how important it is to follow them and how hard they are to ignore.

I started of my chat life on a IRC server called dal.net. When I joined it in 95, it was a very small server. You could register and own the nicks you wanted, but despite its newness, someone had already taken the ' Phoenix ' nick. So I choose 'The Phoenix'. What followed was a wonderful year of meeting new friends and net addiction. I took the time to find out who owned the Phoenix nick, and found there was nothing special about him that drew me to him.

Then about a year later, I felt the compulsion to put that nick on my notify list to find out who owned it. I had no reason to think it had changed ownership, but something pulled at me to find out. Within a day, the nick appears on my notify list, and I noted that it was in a channel called Phoenix Lair. I went in and spoke to the owner. I found out that this was a young man who lived in Canada , who had acquired the nick several months ago. He also mentioned that he shared the nick with his best friend, who was a lady who lived in Montana and this was her room. I suddenly knew I had to meet this lady.

This I did the next day, and she was immediately interested in the fact I used 'The Phoenix'. I got to know her over the course of a few weeks, and she told me how she had messaged the owner of the phoenix nick to find out who he was. She told me that he had started off very aggressively towards her, but by the end of their talk, he had offered to share the nick with her.

Well, within a month, my friendship with the female Phoenix blossomed into love, and we spoke of meeting each other. I said that I'd bring her out to Australia to meet me in an all expense paid holiday. That happened 6 months after we met. We found that there was enough between us, and got engaged. Five months later, she arrived with her daughter to live here permanently, and another three months after we got married. A decision I've never regretted.

Meanwhile, the other owner of the nick wasn't doing to good. He was an young and intelligent man who was working in a small town called Creston, but he had no future. He had done studies while working and found that it didn't make any difference. Basically he was trapped in a small town with a job that worked him hard and used all his computer skills without much reward. Eventually, he had had enough, and he tried to kill himself by driving into a lamppost at high speed. He wasn't hurt permanently, but my wife decided she was going to try and help him.

First of all she tried to get people over there to give him some support, and perhaps get him into university, but try as we may, no one was interested, or if they were, they were all talk. In the end, we decided that if we were going to give this man a chance, we would have to do it ourselves.

Without the boring details, we managed to bring him out here for two weeks, get him enrolled at one of the Melbourne Universities (RMIT), and at the end of the year, he came back to start a four year course in I.T.

First the first 2 years, we paid for his board, food and gave him pocket money, and the third year he moved into a new house with us. He is now in his forth and final year, and he has passed each year with distinctions.

My wife is also responsible for diagnosing some life threatening illnesses I've had, and without her, I'd be most certainly dead by now.

            All of this stemming from us sharing a common nick and from one person being kind enough to let another share his nick.

As a footnote, the male Phoenix just finished his degrees with honours (As I write this in November 2003). He’s planning to stay in Australia , has a good long term girl friend and has turned his life completely around. J

By the time 97 had come along, I had started getting different messages and more fluid communications.

            “Only one can make a difference.” (Difference in what, anyway?) (Are we not all one?)

            “How many Phoenii are there, anyway?”

I was also being asked to ‘humour’ my guides, because I had constantly argued that I could not possibly be Phoenix . My main argument was that it was just ‘me’ and why would it be me when it could be anyone else.

They eventually asked me to just accept it for a while, so I tried, but never truly believed it.

My future wife also came across a book called Phoenix Rising by Mary Summer Rain. It was about a Native American Indian called No-Eyes who was foretelling how Earth would start to reject our treatment of her, and the great disasters that would follow. But also said that Phoenix would choose to rise at the same time, which would be a benefit for all.

I found the book very depressing, and couldn’t read the entire thing. The curious thing about that was that my wife said that she could feel the passed over spirit of No-Eyes for a short while after she had read the book. I was never too sure what that was all about.

In 1997, I had taken a short course on a type of healing foot massage therapy. It was run by a middled aged lady who was not only a potent healer (when I saw her, her face and hands glowed with a luminous green, which I later found out reflected healing) but she was also highly psychic. She was also a bit bossy. J She once rang me up to confirm the course and when I answered the phone she said: “Is that you?” Considering I had only spoken to her once, and that had been months ago, I found it the oddest question.

When I went to her house to do the week end course, I found she had Phoenii all over the place. She had made cards, had statues, etc. I said during one of the breaks, I see you’re into Phoenix , she said, ‘Of course. She’s the herald of the new age.’ Something always held me back about telling her about my own connection. I’m not sure why, but I feel it may have been detrimental to me at the time. Sometimes I toy with the idea of seeing her again and asking her more information.

Celestine was at the heart of most my Phoenix synchs. On dal.net, I used to chat to the owner of a channel called #Celestine. It came out that she believed in the Phoenix spirit and believed she would rise again.

Phoenix is referred to as a she, by the way, because it’s regarded as a feminine energy.

I subscribed to this list early 1999, and discovered that the owner of that channel was also the list administrator at the time. Another synch. She’s long disappeared and I’ve not heard of what became of her. L

I also found someone else on the CP list who had been getting clear messages from Phoenix , and we entered into a dialogue for a while. Then around the end of 1999, she suddenly stopped writing and I’ve not seen anything from her, on or off the list, since.

All the other people I’ve met who are aware of Phoenix as an entity have been from the Celestine Vision chat room. So far there have been six main people, with the odd person making comments, such as the other evening, someone said to me that she had a insight that Phoenix was a protective energy. I was able to confirm this, but the fact she picked up on that amazed me.

It was around the end of 1999 that dragons started coming back into my focus. Having always fancied myself as being one (which is ironic because I was always having Phoenix drummed into me) I decided it was time to concentrate on that aspect of myself. My wife said she felt the urge to surround me with dragons, and she bought several figurines for me.

Then someone told me that Phoenix was the yin side of a dragon. This made some of the pieces fit together, especially why the two dominant forces in my life seemed to be Phoenix and Dragon. So, guided by intuition, I sent out a call to a dragon spirit to come and help me experience the dragon aspect of myself.

I called and one came. The name was Creosus (as opposed to Croesus) and I felt compelled to stop using The Phoenix as my nick and use that instead. The ironic thing was that even though my wife had been encouraging me to a dragon, two things happened when I took on that energy. The first was the our connection was suddenly broken (This took me over two years to actually work that one out!) and the other was that she hated the name Creosus. She said it made her feel like curling up in a corner and hiding away from it. I also found that my heart chakra seemed to feel ‘dead’ and I remarked several times to some others on this.

I posted the story of what happened in the period I used Creosus. For the time being, until I get the time to integrate it properly, the following is an exert.

Briefly, before I even knew I had them, I was always talking to my guides. (I didn't believe in them, or that you could talk directly to God until a few years ago.) Nevertheless, I was talking in my mind to some one. One conversation was them asking me if I'd agree to do something which would make a difference to a lot of people. I said yes, and they said that if I agreed, I would need to go through with it. I never really asked for details and never really believed I'd be doing any spiritual work, despite so many years of working towards doing it.

It was soon after that I made some major break throughs in myself and my life changed for the better and I finally started to get a clue. I got married and started to deal with many traumas I had accumulated. One of the things I became also aware of was that for most of my life, I really didn't want to be here. Part of me wanted to die. You could call it a death wish.

Then one morning, two years after I had married, I woke up one morning and someone said to me in my mind if I was ready to renounce my death wish. I realized that I was ready to, so I said I was, and I did. However, like an hotplate that is hot, turning it off won't make it cool down immediately. So, the elementals I had created for this wish were still incredibly active and events were coming together to bring about my death. My wife went into mourning a week before a crucial event was to occur. She acted as if I was already dead, and I started seeing many signs about husbands dying and I wondered if there was a message in it for me.

I didn't have a clue what was going on and neither did she, except it was if I wasn't there any more. Even my step daughter acted as if I was suddenly invisible. Finally, we sat down and talked about it the night before it was supposed to happen, and we ran through all the options in our minds until it all clicked into place. The story was that I was meant to go out and visit someone the next day, and I would be involved in a fatal car accident. I guess giving up that death wish allowed me the choice of avoiding that situation. So I choose to stay home instead, and the nexus point passed and things returned to normal. Well, kind of, because I went into shock for some time.

So, I avoided my possible death. Then a couple of months later, I got a very intense message in my mind. I don't know if anyone has experienced such a message, but it's like someone is channelling their thoughts right into your brain and it's impossible to ignore.

The sender was identified as the actual Phoenix spirit (yes, believe it or not, there is one) who wasn't at all pleased with me. She said I had reneged on my agreement and that I was meant to die when I did and join her. I argued that if I had known that was the task they wanted me to do, I'd never would have agreed to it. I also pointed out that I had free will, and therefore was not obliged to honour any agreements, especially of that nature. I told it good bye and that I would have nothing further to do with her.

It was not until then that I really believed there was a true phoenix out there and that she had an interest in me. So every time something phoenix related came up, I would ignore it, reject it, reaffirm that I wanted nothing to do with it. If I was getting messages before about phoenix, it was nothing compared to what I was getting now. Every day, without fail, something would turn up. This lasted for two years until one day I was just walking and I got from another source (direct I felt) that it wasn't Phoenix who was trying to kill me, it was that I had chosen to die with my death wish, and she was just using that event in the scheme of things. Now our agendas no longer matched.

I had to admit that that whenever I thought on the spirit, I would feel this overwhelming sense of love and caring. Then one day just on a year ago, I started getting those really intense type of message again from her. This time it was urgent. The gist of it was that, okay, she would accept that I wasn't prepared to die for her, but to at least accept who I was and start using my powers to help this world because it needed it. She said I could no longer deny who I was. I agreed, but asked for confirmation that this wasn't just a mind / ego trip. That's when I started getting others telling me of their own accord what I had been told by her. Then finally, after 18 years, I accepted that this is who I am.

After the Phoenix / nexus point incident, I shunned her completely. I no longer had any doubts about her existence, but I no longer wanted to have anything to do with her, either. I thought it would be dangerous.

Another one of the curious things that happened in the CV chat room was that someone suddenly took a real disliking to me. This person was always in there as a female, and sometimes I got the impression that it was an old woman who was very angry with me. It wasn’t too long before the name No-Eyes popped into my head. I can’t say for sure if that was the case, but my feelings were strong that she was channelling though this man and expressing her disapproval of me abandoning the Phoenix path.

Two things worth considering here. I found out that she was of the same tribe as this man was, and later, I discovered that he was connected to someone who became one of the six Phoenix related people I found there.

In any case, once I exposed what was going on there, he/she disappeared and I’ve not seen him since.

When I accepted the Phoenix energy back at the end of 2002, I asked for prove that this wasn’t just in my imagination.

As it says in Conversations with God, even before you have asked, I have answered, I got my proof the next day.

A few months before hand, I had been prompted to pick up the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordon, which is a fantasy series. One of the main character was called The Dragon Reborn, and the book I was reading at the time was the third in the series called The Dragon Reborn.

As I was reading it, I started getting those insistent repeated messages again. This time it wasn’t ‘You are The Phoenix’ it was ‘You are The Dragon Reborn’. I said, come on now, this is just a story. I got the message, for the purpose of this exercise, just accept it for now.

The day after I asked for proof, I was on the Celestine Visions chat room under my usual nick, Creosus, when someone who I had never seen before (she used the nick HoHo) said: “I just had a dream about you Creosus. I was told to go and find Creosus and the reborn. Well, Creosus being my dragon name and all, the message was quite clear. Dragon Reborn. I asked who she was, and if she knew me. She didn’t, and as I chatted to her later, I discovered that yes, she really was someone who had just met me for the first time.

That was enough for me, and I finally accepted things. The energy I was giving off at that time was so strong that I attracted others who were connected to Phoenix .

My heart chakra, which had felt dead and inactive during my Creosus stage, seemed to burst into full life. In fact, when a friend I hadn’t seen for a while came into the room, I said, can you feel anything different about me? She said, yes, if feels like there’s a mini sun in your heart chakra. More validation.

Phoenix synchs were also happening like crazy, and many around me were getting them, too.

The interesting thing was, though, that I started to feel that energy fade over time. Eventually, I asked what was going on, and I was told that it was not enough to see myself as being connected to the energy, but I had to be that energy. I was that energy. I was the Phoenix .

Once again, I asked for proof. (How many times can you be hit over the head with something before you finally accept it once and for all!) and again, the next morning, I got it.

This time, it was on a MUD (A multi user dungeon) that I had been playing on since 96 called Dragonheart.  I had only just started playing again, and had noted that in my absence, the had grown a strong Phoenix influence, which wasn’t lost on me.

The morning, I logged on, and looked at the history of the chat channel and to my amazement I saw the following line, which had only been said only a minute before I was on.

            Palgius (player’s name) calls forth the spirit of the Phoenix Dragon.

In all my years playing there, I’d not seen it before, and had no idea how and why it came about. But the message was clear. I had asked for proof, and once again received it.

I started to really concentrate on being that energy. Seeing myself as one with Phoenix , not as just someone connecting to it.

When I was contemplating writing this document, and once again wondered if I might be going overboard with my imagination here. Once again, I sent out a silent question for if this was really happening. While I had accepted I was Phoenix , it still felt strange and uncomfortable telling anyone else. Part of me still wanted more validation, I guess.

Once again, I got it. This is a summary of a msn chat on the 26/11/2003 . I was telling a friend that several people wanted to know my phoenix story. She suggested that that for my sake, I should get it down.

There had been, for certain reasons, some tension about Phoenix between this friend and me, so I was surprised when she started giving messages.

She said that a certain energy in a person can create those energies around them. Perhaps me being phoenix meant she was using me to get her energies here.

I said I was representing those energies. She said that ‘representing was such a dry word’. That I am phoenix energies and bringing them into the soup and therefore raising the whole.

These had been exactly the messages I had been getting recently so I asked her, jokingly, if she had been tapping into them.

“Just reaffirming from boss lady,” she replied.

I asked if she was getting anything more.

“Wow,” she said, “she is so in love with you. The higher states of energy are love and I guess her coming here, she isn’t so used to it. I feel so this level, this place, how love is felt, I guess it overwhelms her. She knows not how to translate or to contain.”

That one I’ll have to think about as to what it actually means.

Anyways, that’s a brief summary of my experiences with Phoenix . The main points at least.  I felt, that to explain the next story, which was another major turning point in my life, I had to explain her.

Once again, this story is about psychic attacks, and I guess it might start to sound somewhat clichéd, however, I can’t do much about that.

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